a little stolen happiness

sometimes i feel like i'm waiting for the rest of my life to start. and then momentarily i realise, this is it. i'm really living in the tension between what is and what i want life to be, except in the moments when what is, is what i want life to be. but then the grass is always greener... (and we all know the rest) i'm partly afraid that i'll wake up one day and discover while waiting for life to happen, it already did and i missed it.

there's no real conclusion to this rambling. i think i'm apprehensive on a number of counts, most of it to do with everything uncertain about months yet to unfold. still, surely the point of this wondering is to lead me back to a realisation of You so faithfully hold all things and all time together.

and i bite my tongue and hold whole thoughts back because it's all a part of some kind of warped survival strategy. it's a good thing to have time, because there are too many decisions to make that i'm not ready for, right now.

in contemplating the complexities of heartbreak i realised the first cut really is the deepest, more often than not. and each time it happens, i think the average person retreats a little further into the safety of pretending not to care, because it's easier to run scared than risk it happening all over again. my hesitation finally makes sense in the light of that. the truth is, however, i don't want to be scared the rest of my life. at some point in some distant future, perhaps i'll have the courage to free fall, right into something incredible and, maybe, just maybe, breathtaking.

so i will save up little bits of happiness,
look back upon the sunshine they
pour into the windows of my soul.